Some days

Some days it's so easy to get caught up in the everyday, mundane actions of life. It's so easy and nice to worry about laundry and cooking dinner and paying bills and work.

Other days, big-picture things in life make me nervous, excited, and upset, all at the same time. I miss my family. I miss my siblings and how simple life is when we're all together. I miss my nephew like crazy. I laugh and cry at all the videos and pictures my sister posts, but I feel like I'm missing out on how much he is growing. I miss all the crazy, hyper, neurotic, and grumpy dogs of our family. Yes, every single one. I miss my parents and how comfortable everything is when they are around. How loved I feel being in their presence.

I miss my friends. I miss being able to get the group together much easier. I miss how easy the conversation flowed between all of us. I miss the inside jokes, the belting to Journey, the making up lyrics for Blinded by the Light by Manfred Mann, the camera sneak attacks, the Dr. Horrible quoting, the planning of our next great trip together, the O's Cafe in the Classics Lounge, the midnight movie premiers, hell, even the study sessions for tests, all of it. Just the general understanding and acceptance of each other's character and temperament. All other friendships since then have felt more like acquaintances. Everything feels more forced, awkward.

I miss school. I miss the deadlines for things. I don't miss the sense of impending doom before midterms. I miss the feeling of relief afterwards. I miss sitting in the hallways of Wagner, studying. I miss the feeling of connection in the Classics department, of mingling with and learning from some of the brightest people I've ever known. I miss learning new things everyday. I miss the freedom for exploration that school provides, the ability to try new things, learn a new language, discover a new culture, just for the hell of it. I know I can still do those things, but it's not what my life is about anymore. Trust me, it makes a difference.

Being an adult, out of my own, it's nice. Being independent, self-sufficient, it's something I highly value. But being out on my own has taught me that I don't like to be out on my own. I like to be connected, to be a part of something. I work best, feel most comforted, when I have a task to collaborate on, someone to report to, deadlines to meet. This feeling gives me a pretty clear idea that I want to go back to school. But I'm afraid to limit myself. I want to try so many things, I don't want to spend so much time and money to concentrate on one specific area. But the kicker of it all is that I'm not some brilliant genius that can be great at a lot of different things. So I'm wasting time and money to pursue all these interests that I'm not going to be great at and will probably abandon after awhile.

If I go back to school, do I go to grad school? And if so, for what? Archaeology? History? What do I do with that? Do I get a second bachelors? Is that possible? In what? How about just a Masters? And again, in what? Could I get a graduate degree in something outside of classics, or do I have to start from scratch? If I do go to school again, where? In state, out of state, out of the country? What about jobs that don't require more schooling? What about certification programs, in genealogy, travel agency? Both of those seem really exciting to me.

I seem to make up my mind about one thing and then I start questioning another idea. It's enough to drive me bonkers! I feel pressured, as if I'm wasting the good years of my life because I can't decide what to do. I feel like if I don't make a decision, I'm going to get stuck in the everyday. But then, inevitably, the weekend ends, and I go back to the mundane everyday life, stop thinking about the future for a few more days, and waste even more time.