Amy... What you wanna do?

So here I am on the laziest of Wednesday evenings I've had in a long time.  Work was pretty boring and I've been in a state of mental shutdown nearly the entire day.  I've spent much of my free time this evening zoning out in front of reality TV (I really can't explain my addiction to SYTYCD) and laughing hysterically at Psych.

Having nothing else to watch but Star Trek: Enterprise re-runs (and really, I'm not THAT bored), I decided to change my health benefits for next year.  I needed to be somewhat productive...  That took a lot less time than I expected and I was left with time to waste.  I'm not tired at all, too mentally-stooped to read anything, so what do I do?  That's right, facebook.  And lo and behold, through facebook, I'm reminded of my sisters' blogs, which remind me, "Oh yeah, I have one of those.  And I haven't written anything in over two weeks..."

So in that two-paragraph lead-in, you have literally been through my thought train from the last several hours or so.  Welcome to my thrilling life!

In all actuality, my life has been pretty damn crazy the last few weeks.  Sometime shortly after my last post, an opportunity fell into my lap that has change my thinking about the future.  CRAZY, I KNOW.  And it has me excited and terrified and nervous and curious and a little bit giddy, all at the same time.

Maybe I should preface this tale with a bit of explaining about my previous thoughts on life and change.  You know, for those of you who don't know me.  Which I'm sure is no one because only my mother and sisters read this.  And my dad, secretly (I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS SECRETLY, DAD).

So I feel, constantly, like there are two aspects of my personality that are in conflict.  God, I love to try/see/do/learn new things!  Often times I get overwhelmed with the complexity of this world that God has created and it will simply kill me if I can't see and experience the majesty of it all!  Humankind simply fascinates me, on a pedestrian level.  I'm not much of a theorizer on a grander scale, but I like learning about people at their basics.  How they interact with the world and others on a daily basis.  How they live, work, travel, learn, communicate, have fun, express themselves, experience emotions and deal with them.  I don't care so much about Man, but about man.  I love to travel, to learn new languages, read new things, experience new cultures.  I want to go and travel and do and be busy all the time!  I want to be independent and not be afraid to step out on these new adventures by myself.  But damn if I'm not a lazy, shy, homebody whose family and friends are so unbelievably kickass that I don't want to be apart from them ever.  I love my comfort zone and my familiar surroundings so much.  I feel like my brain is hardwired for complacency, for repetitive, organized, dependable actions that are safe.

I've done new things before,  I've tried my hand and explored a good bit, but I've always been lucky enough to have a compatriot.  Someone I knew well was always along for the ride with me.  I blame this on my upbringing.  Having a twin makes life seem a little more secure.  Knowing there was always someone there you knew, that first day of school or Sunday school, at VBS and daycare.  All those places where you were terrified to be by yourself as a little kid, yeah, I was never alone.  My parents were smart and split my brother and I up in school classes; otherwise, I think I'd probably be living on his couch.  In a weird way, my brother is like my safety net.  But that's neither here nor there.  The point I'm trying to get at is that I want to go and do and see and explore, but I'm a coward who can't step out of their comfort zone!

I think this internal conflict is at the core of my problems with my future.  For the longest time, I've had this idea that I'll go back to school.  In a weird way, I see it as a fall-back, safe option.  But when I think about it, it's actually not.  I'm not going to be able to go back to Texas for school.  My well-established, intelligent friends are not going to be there with me.  I'm not going to be able to attend a school within easy driving distance of my family.  At least, not for what I want.  I'm going to have to go out of state, most likely.  While it sounds like fun to go to school out of state, I'm not thinking about it rationally.  Most programs I would look into would be for a PhD program.  At the very least, I'd be gone for 2 years, and for other programs, it would take anywhere from 6-9 years!  It's really hard for me to plan out that far in my life.  Who the hell knows where I'll be emotionally and spiritually during that time?  I can't even imagine myself as a 30 year old; it's bizarre!  How could I possibly know what 30 year old me is going to want for her life when 23 year old me has no idea?  How do I make that decision?  I think I've settled on school because I love learning so much and nothing opens the opportunity for learning and exploration more than school.  I want to go back to get back to what I love, which is LEARNING.  I need to find a way to make a career out of LEARNING.

But the plan for going back to grad school was not supposed to start until early this fall, probably within another month or two.  I was going to get down to business, take the GRE, brush up on my languages and history, start applications and requesting letters and getting together writing samples.  I was not going to think about any of it until about Labor Day.  I was going to live in the moment.  Enjoy the rest of my "real world" time with nothing to worry about other than bill due dates and what I'm going to bring for lunch tomorrow to work.  I wouldn't even have to think about the truly scary parts of leaving the state until this time NEXT year. What can I say, I'm a Texas girl, and I've had family here since the 1870's.  It'd be hard to pick up roots, especially by myself.  But I figured I could by happy with my complacent life for the next year, not worrying about change.

And then an opportunity of a lifetime fell into my lap.  A paid position at a museum in Texas working with what I love.  But wait, you say, don't you already have a paid position at a museum in Texas?  Yes, yes I do. But it's not doing what I love.  I'm a glorified security guard.  If I get lucky, I'll get to answer one question a week about antiquities.  Maybe someone will ask why it says BCE instead of BC (seriously Texans, not everyone in the world wants to use Jesus' supposed birth year as the defining marker of history).  Or someone will ask me why there are fig leaves over the genitals of some plaster casts.  Or if the gold coins are actually made out of gold.  Or some kid will ask me if that Athena is the same Athena from the Percy Jackson stories...  But rarely do those people want to actually LEARN about the pieces.  Why they were made, how they were made, what people wanted to do with them, how REVOLUTIONARY they were and how relevant they still are.  They just want to make penis or paedophilia jokes and then go and complain about how their dog could paint the modern and contemporary art in the next room.  I wish I got the opportunity to share a little bit about the context, the insight, the culture behind all this.
But anyways... a friend informed me that the SAMA had posted a position for Curatorial Assisant in the Ancient Mediterranean Art Department.  I'd essentially be the curator's assistant (how did I figure that one out?) but I'd get a chance to explore the research and presentation side of museum work.  And SAMA has one of the largest collections of antiquities in the Southern US.  BMA has a rather small antiquities section that gets absolutely NO respect, even from the curators and higher up staff.  The only curatorial work done on the antiquities here was by a group of grad students in the CLASSICS department.  It'd be so nice to get to work with someone so very knowledgeable, not only about the artifacts, but also about how to present them to the public so that they are relevant and meaningful and fascinating!  And I've stalled out in my current position at BMA.  The only way I could advance anymore is if higher staff leaves, and I'm not too sure I'd want that anyways.  I don't really have any chance of getting out of security and into something else at BMA, especially since there is no respect or general interest in the antiquities here.

So then the question became, should I apply for this job?  It seems like a resounding YES, but there are some stipulations, some things I've left unsaid.  The position is only part time, about 20-25 hrs/wk, estimated about $12/hr, and I have no idea about benefits, likely none.  I'd be going from a cushy benefits eligible job, a guaranteed 40 hrs/wk with paid overtime and vacations at $14.5/hr to essentially an intern level job.  Is that really such a smart thing to even think about in this economy?  And even though the cost of living is cheaper in SA than ATX, there really is no way I could live on that intern salary alone, because of student loans and a car payment (HOLY BUCKETS I HATE THAT CAR! http://amykatelyn.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-hate-tom-meaning-my-car.html).  I'd have to get a second job... and in what?  This would likely mean I'd have to work about 30 hours a week at another job to support myself.  And there's the whole matter of having to move and relocate.  My lease in my apartment isn't up until Sept. 24th.  I can't even begin to guess where to look for safe, affordable places to live there.  And then I'd be living by myself.  Which is fine in and of itself, but I'd be farther away from my family than ever before.  Granted it'd only be about 2 hours from my parents, and my safety net of a brother would be about 40 minutes away, but I'd have no friends in town.  I don't know anyone that lives in San Antonio proper.  And it's been a long time since I've had to make friends and it's always come pretty slowly to me, so I know I'd get lonely there.
And then there's the whole fact that I would be in an entirely new workplace.  I'm pretty damn good at my current job, I feel really knowledge and confident in my abilities and expectations here.  I like where everything stands.  My immediate bosses are GREAT and my coworkers are pretty awesome for the most part, especially on days when I don't supervise.  The work environment is laid back, I have no deadlines, ever, I spend a good part of the day in my own head, getting to think things over, I get physical activity everyday, and I've developed a friendship with several of my coworkers.

But I'm never going to get another chance like this.  To find a paid position at all, working with a collection of antiquities, in a more academic function, at a museum in Central Texas?  This is likely never going to happen to me again.  I'd be stupid to pass it up.  I can't in good conscious turn down this opportunity.

So, after much turmoil, and some poking and prodding from coworkers, I applied.  I updated my resume, I matched every single one of the requirements they listed (except I'm not that proficient with Adobe Photoshop... It's been about 5 years since I've work with that).  All three people I asked to be references got back to me quickly with a definitive YES.  The cover letter practically wrote itself.  But I didn't hear anything from the curator for a while after I applied.  I was kinda hoping that it was already closed so that my decision would essentially be made for me.  But then they asked me for an interview.  And not only that, they were willing to rearrange the interview around my current work schedule.  It makes me excited that they not only want to talk to me about the position, but they're working with me to make sure they do!  But I don't want to get my hopes up.  This is not a guarantee, and I'm sure they've had some amazingly more qualified/talented people than me apply.  But there's a problem in that every job I've ever interviewed for, I've gotten.  So this sneaky, devilish part of my brain keeps telling me I've got this one in the bag, and the bigger, more rational part tells it to "SHUT THE Front door!"
And so I've started the task of preparing myself for the interview.  I'm planning what to wear, I've been brushing up on some of my art historical and antiquities background, and I'm researching the museum and collection itself.  The interview is Monday at 3:00pm and I feel nervous on my way to confident.

But this whole week and a half/two weeks has been a whirlwind.  I've been hit by the extremes of opinions from both sides.  My coworkers being so excited and telling me, "Screw the consequences or snags, just go for it!"  (Except my boss, who keeps asking me to pull the knife out of his back.)  My family telling me, "What about the money and moving and second job, and maybe this isn't the right thing or the right timing!"  And my feelings about it are squarely in the middle.  It's times like these that make me thankful for having older sisters who can empathize and sympathize.  Thanks again, Melaina!  (Sorry Dana, I figured you might not have the sympathetic experience for this one.  You've always seemed to know exactly what you want and how you're going to do it.)

Everything feels doable.  Nothing about this position has seemed insurmountable to me yet.  There are things I'd need to think about, to plan out, but I've got hope and excitement about every aspect of this.  The more I think about it, the more it feels right to me.  I don't feel like I'm searching for something that isn't there, that isn't going to happen.  I didn't actively seek this out, it fell into my lap, and the best things in life usually happen that way (Tricksy Jesus!).  Things keep progressing and evolving with this, working themselves out with little stress or frustration on my part.  When I pray about it, I gain a sense of serenity, a sort of "trust and follow" type of feeling.

So basically, to sum up this post.
- Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.
- I applied for a job and it's scary but fun.
- I have an interview at 3:00pm on Monday.
- Please pray for me.

amy
PS - Don't know if you noticed, but I'm trying to work on my cursing.  It's progressing...slowly.

So, obviously, things are now better.

Life has picked back up to normal.  Things are going well now and I'm choosing not to dwell on the past few weeks, just move on.

A few things that I've been thinking about/looking forward to:

TV! I still love it!  Even if it is the crappy summer season!
- SYTYCD:  I never used to care about dance at all until I started watching this show a few years ago.  Now I love it.  I don't have the remotest bit of talent for it, but it's quite beautiful to watch.  This season has been AWESOME to have the all-stars back.  I love Mark and Twitch, always have.  But anytime they dance with someone, I can't help but watch them. And I'm loving Anya and Pasha, too, but they were before my SYTYCD-time.  Oh and Neil and Dominic, too.  But mainly Mark and Twitch.  And Kathryn, because I think she and Legacy are SO CUTE.  Did you see how he was crying after her performance with Billy?  I don't think he was crying for Billy...  As far as current dancers, I'm really sad Alex is gone.  There is no question he would've won it.  He was amazing, versatile, and was starting to develop that connection with the audience.  Did anyone else think it was weird how much Kent freaked out over him leaving and how Alex called out Kent alone by name?  Also, Ashley is growing on me.  I downloaded the song from her dance because it was so beautiful.  I think her dance was the best one from last week.  I also liked Kent and Lauren's pair dance, it was sweet.

- The LXD: Also dance related, this one is going to be epic!  It just came out with the first two episodes last week on Hulu.com and it's amazing.  There are about 10 episodes this season, they are releasing one a week for the rest of the summer.  They've already got season 2 filmed and are working on season 3.  The show is about superheroes who use dance kinda like Jedi's use the force.  The first season just gives glimpses of each main character's background story, and it has more you can explore about each character online.  Season 2 is going to introduce the story/showdown with the bad guys.  The cinematography, the settings, the scene-framing, the music, everything is AMAZING.  I love this show so much, plus it's got unbelievable dancers and so much potential!  I can't wait for season 2!  They are apparently using different themes for each episode, like western, film noir, etc.
http://www.hulu.com/the-lxd

- This week White Collar and my favorite show ever, PSYCH!, come back.  Also, a new show on USA I'm really excited about premieres, called Covert Affairs.  If you want a light, easy-to-process, sexy, suspense show, watch White Collar.  If you want variety, drama, pop-culture references, and SO MUCH HUMOR, watch Psych.  I'll let you know what I think of Covert Affairs, but it's produced by the Bourne people, so I have high hopes!

Movies!
- I can't remember what I've seen since I last posted.  The only new thing I can remember is Knight and Day. It was cute enough.  The chemistry between Cruise and Diaz wasn't believable at all.  I didn't want to punch Diaz in the face though, and I usually do when watching her movies.  It was a cute enough movie with only some stupid points.
- OH, TWILIGHT.  I kinda forgot about it.  How bad a fan am I?  I'm kinda getting over my vampire-love phase.  I was never really into vampires in the first place.  Now that Eclipse is out, which is my favorite, I've almost lost all interest.  I've only seen Eclipse once, and the other two I saw multiple times in theaters...  It's starting to lose its magic.  I think it's also because I am so ANTI-JACOB and that whole story-line, that any promotion of his character or inclusion of him in the plot makes me angry.  I don't even want to think about the imprinting thing in the next book.  That's going to be uber-creepy.
- I still need to see The Karate Kid, The Last Airbender, and I can't wait for Inception!

Family Weekend, Yay!
- My whole family is getting together this weekend and I have Saturday off to join them!
- I'm fairly certain our whole weekend will be hanging around the house playing with Charlie and talking horribly about that bitch.  She has it coming.

Grad School
- So I found the perfect school and department and program!  Yay!  But it costs $39,000 alone in tuition every year! NOOOOOOOOOOO! Damnit, why does this happen!
- The program is and MA in Heritage Management from the Archaeology Department at Boston University.  It looks amazing.  I hope there's some way it can work out.  I'll probably be emailing the chair of the department to get some more information this week.
- GRE will be coming up soon.  I haven't set a date to take it yet, but likely in a couple of months.

New Phone!
- Less than a month until we are eligible for upgrades at Sprint.  I can not wait.  I think I'm going to rip my current phone in two when I get my new one.
- As for a new phone, I REALLY REALLY want an HTC Evo 4G.  I don't really care if the battery life isn't that great, the rest of the phone is awesome!

Ok, that's all I can really think of right now.

Things haven't been good lately...

Which is why I'm not blogging.  I don't feel the need to type up my internal angsty monologue and display it to the world.

Never fear.  When my life gets back on its usual optimistic, happy, or at least content - track, I'll be back to blogging.