Pictures from the last 5 months!

Because I really have nothing to write about...

Vegas: a town not built for someone like me.

Hoover Dam was pretty awesome, though.

So cute in his hat!

Dr. Pepper addiction starts early in this family.

Happy Birthday, Little Man!

A bizarre, pretty-awful day that already seems forgotten.

Psych! One of my favorite TV shows, and I got to see them talk!

Yes, I went to a game this season.  We actually won this one!

Ma heart.  She hates me though. :)

 And some videos to make you smile!

The Happiness Project

Hello once again, folks!

I'm a blogging machine this week.  I'm happy I'm keeping up with my resolutions!

Speaking of resolutions...

So, with the new year rolling around, and the tradition of making resolutions, I had been thinking pretty seriously about what I wanted to accomplish this year.  Granted, at New Years, I hadn't decided what I wanted to do with my future, let alone next year, and I was in a pretty low place.

Now, I don't often read non-fiction, and I almost NEVER read self-help books.  They're often too touchy-feely, big picture, "change the world with the power of thinking" for me.  That's not how my brain functions.  I'm a fairly level-headed, emotionally-reserved, detail-oriented person.  But I thought, "What can it hurt?"  So I started doing some research and making plans on how to be happier.

I remember doing an essay on Ben Franklin's Autobiography in 11th-grade English.  Good 'ole Ben decided he wanted to be EVEN MORE AWESOME, so he picked 13 "virtues" that he wanted to cultivate, and then meticulously graded himself every day on how he performed in each virtue.  That seemed like a very rational way to approach bettering yourself.  But I couldn't find any rational self-help books like that.  A lot of books recommend making drastic or vague changes in your life, like "move to a new place" or "think happier".  I can "think happier" about as easily as I could up and move to Bangladesh.  I need concrete goals to achieve, not high-minded ideals.

Then I stumbled upon a gem of a book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  While reading the inside flap, I recognized that I had the same self-realization that the author did.  Namely, I wasn't depressed with my life, I just wasn't as happy as I should be considering how great my life is.  Ms. Rubin was also tied down to her life; she had a family and a job and couldn't change anything drastic.  But she decided she could be happier and lead a full life (oh yeah, remember my last post?).

As I started reading her introduction, it read more like my internal monologue.  She had much the same ideas as I did, even values.  Her method of approaching things was just like mine.  She loves research, preparation, lists, and guidelines.  She had even come across the Ben Franklin thing herself!  She was officially in my brain, so much so it was scary.

But basically her premise was this.  She would pick eleven different areas of her life, like family, work, friends, leisure, health, finances, faith, etc.  For each one of these, she would pick 3 or 4 concrete resolutions.  Like for leisure, instead of saying "Have more fun", she would say "go see a movie every week" or "join a book club".  She made concrete goals that she could definitively check off of her list.

Then she assigned each different area to a month.  For the first month, she would concentrate on those resolutions only, doing them every day until they became a habit, and an ordinary part of her life.  The next month, she would add her next resolutions and work on those.  This is pretty logical, because it supposedly takes 21 days of doing something repeatedly for the brain to accept it as a habit.  Doing it for a month was giving the resolution a pretty solid chance at habit-hood.  It is a lot of work, when you think big picture and look at how much you're trying to change your outlook over a year.  But breaking it up into manageable chunks that you can see concrete progress with is another way that the brain is wired to work.

She took time before she started to really evaluate her life.  She was honest with herself and figured out what she liked to do, what was going well in her life now, as well as what made her bored or frustrated.    And after making her lists and plans, she then tells what worked for her and what didn't.  By the time she got to December, she was supposed to be incorporating all her different resolutions and hopefully, making her life happier. (I haven't gotten that far yet, to see how it all turned out in the end for her.)

I know it might seem silly, or even crazy, for some of you to try and be happier by going about life so systematically, but that's why all you normal people have regular self-help books.  As for me, I'm going to see how this plan works out.

As such, you'll probably see blog posts over the next year about my progress through this project.  I'll have to do some tweaking, as I'm running late (as usual).  Maybe on February I'll start working on my punctuality and efficiency...

Anyways, wish me luck, if you will!  It's another thing that's got me quite excited about this year, and it'll be interesting to see if the project changes if I get into grad school.  It should, because this is about enjoying my life as it is, regardless of where it is.

amy

Life, Abundantly

On four separate occasions today, I told someone I was living vicariously through them.  Four.

When did I become this person?  When did I stop enjoying life, everyday life?  So I'm not content with my current career or my current love life; that doesn't mean I can't still be HAPPY.

My power verse/life verse/most-moving-and-inspiring-message-I've-ever-read-verse, whatever you want to call it, is from the New Testament of the Bible, John 10:10, particularly the second half of the verse.  Jesus is speaking, and he says, "I have come so that they may have life, and have it more abundantly."  I fully believe that.

My faith is something very personal to me, and I don't talk about it often, so this is likely to be difficult to verbalize or understand.  Bear with me if you care to hear.

After a particularly traumatizing moment in high school, small group faith gatherings lost their appeal.  I still appreciate the act of going to church, mainly the traditional services (who'd've thunk!?).  I like singing the hymns (which seem to resonate more with me, have more depth) and I enjoy any knowledgeable pastor who gives relevant sermons.  But all Sunday schools, and youth groups, and young singles groups and such experiences are not for me.  I've tried, and it just doesn't work for me.  So my faith has become much more internal, something that I think about every day, that influences my decisions.  But it's not something I vocalize very often.  It's something so personal, I don't even talk about it with my family very much, which is saying something.

I know that there is a call to spread "The Word" and all that.  But I also believe we all have our gifts; that God shaped our passions, desires, and talents differently, to reach people on every level.  And I feel like John 10:10 is as much a driving force in my life, a call to mission, as anything else Jesus spoke.  I believe that having an abundant, full life gives glory to God, the creator of it.  That by living each day to the best of my ability, enjoying every minute, and staying true to my morals and values, I am appreciating and giving thanks for what God has given me.  And I believe that people can see that.  That they know I'm happy and content; that I have something in my life, outside of work or school or even family, which makes me feel  like a whole human being, worthy of and celebrating every moment of life.

But that's not the case.  And it hasn't been for a while now.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not a "doubting Thomas".  My beliefs in God, Jesus, and everything else have not changed.  But I've felt very disconnected and unhappy, which is disconcerting to me, because my faith is such a personal relationship type-of-thing.
I don't know when the switch flipped, when I became so bitter and down-trodden.  There's no defining moment; no date I can point to on the calendar that said, "That's when I started being unhappy."

I have felt listless, direction-less, and ultimately depressed because of it.  I  have not been living to my life's full potential.  I've not taken every opportunity available for me to learn, to grow, to appreciate people, to enjoy my free time.  I've filled my life with mundane things that have clouded my perspective.

Yes, it's true, I've made a decision about my future and I'm pursuing it.  And that genuinely has me excited.  But I'm not excited about my life here and now.  I've always secretly been a resolution maker, year round.  "Next week, I'm going to start running more."  "After this hectic week, I'm going to start getting more regular sleep."  "Starting next month, I'm going to stay on top of (insert chore here)."  But I always have these ideas about how, in the future, my life is going to be perfect and orderly and it's going to make me happy, darnit!  But then that date rolls around and I'm lazy, or it slips my mind, and I'm back to failed resolution guilt.

And I kinda feel that way now.  I'm putting all my eggs in one basket over this grad school thing.  I keep thinking, things will get better when I'm back on track, when I'm pursuing my passions.  I'll be happy about my position in life and be able to appreciate all the little things.  I'm just at the bottom of the bell curve, and things will swing upwards in a few months, when my life changes drastically.  I know they will. I KNOW.

But why wait until then?

I'm tired of waiting.

amy

It's the New Year!

And yes, I know I'm late to the party.  I know that we are currently 13 full days into the new year.  But this week has been so life-changing in many ways, that it truly only feels like a new year now.

Anyways, onwards with what will prove to be a very long blog post.  As it's been nearly four months since my last one, you can't really say you didn't see this one coming.

For the last three or so years, I've refused myself the permission to pursue my passion in life.  I've not allowed myself even to entertain the idea of grad school in Classics for many reasons: it's not practical, there's nothing I can do with it, it will cost too much money, dissertations are effing scary, and perhaps most telling, I don't feel like I'd be fantastic at it, so it's not worth my time.

After some inner soul searching, endless praying, straight talk from my mother, and bizarre but relevant advice that came from way out in left field, I have decided to go back to school for Classics.  I'm only applying to one program, as I seem to have missed a few deadlines in my waffling back and forth.

I'm applying to Texas Tech.  I've got about 75% of my application done, and it's due by February 1st.  I'm actually very excited.  Annoyingly so, I've been getting a lot of negative feedback from people at work.  People have been telling me how awful Lubbock is, how living there is going to be boring and dull, how long it's going to take me, how hard it's going to be, etc.  Only two people have had any sort of excitement or even good thoughts.  Everyone either tells me how much it's going to suck or looks at me with a sort of pity, like they think I've just made an awful decision.  This just proves to me that I need to get out of that place; I've never really fit in with the atmosphere of the Austin art world and the pessimism of my coworkers is pulling me down.  But if I get in this grad school program, I'll be out of there and taking the next step in my journey, which I honestly believe will lead me to fulfillment in my career.

It's amazing how relieving it is just to have made this decision.  There's no turning back; I absolutely refuse to allow myself that option.  If for some reason I don't get into this program this year, I'll just work harder and apply to more programs next year.  This is no longer up for discussion or change.  I'm getting a move-on with my life.

And now that my life is not consumed with the depression that came from indecision and self-doubt, everything has a brighter tint to it.  Aside from my job, everything in my life is at a good place.

My family is still as fantastic as ever.  We've had some great times together around the holidays this year.  I think this was our best Christmas celebration yet.  While we weren't all together on Christmas day, we gathered together in the week after and really enjoyed each other's company.  Everyone got together: Mom, Dad, Jason, Melaina, Dana, Trey, Charlie, Me, Shane,  Katy, and yes, even Blue, Eli, Pongo, and Bella.  I don't know about everyone else, but I felt relaxed and joyous spending time in the company of people I love. I'm glad that my parents still seem as strong and happy as ever.  I'm glad Jason is doing so well with the photography business, and that Melaina finished another hard but successful semester at seminary.  I'm glad Dana and Trey just celebrated 5 happy years together, that Trey is doing so well at his work which comes so natural to him.  I'm glad Dana is already seeing success in her New Year's resolution, and gets to spend every day with a picky eater like herself :).  And I'm very glad that Charlie is continuing to grow and develop into an adorable little boy.  He really does steal all our hearts.  And I'm glad that Shane is getting through school, even if it's hard :), that his truck is good as new, and that he's found Katy, a sweet and mature girl, who fits in well with the family already after just a few short months.  I'm sad Blue is nearing the end of her life, but I know she's had a good one.  I'm glad Eli is such a sweet dog who has mellowed with age.  And Pongo and Bella, well, they are still the cutest, and craziest dogs I've ever known.  I love my family, but I'm also blessed to actually like them, too.

As far as friends go, I'm a little lonely.  It's hard, when your two best friends aren't around every day.  I'm happy Cassie has found a friend in SC and that her writing is going so well.  I know she is ridiculously talented and I can't wait to see her finished work.  I'm also SO EXCITED to get the chance to go visit her in February!  I can't wait!  And I miss Mary, my travel buddy who is travelling without me.  I know she is nervous and excited about her trip, and I know she will also have a fantastic time.  Seven weeks in Austin without her will not be fun.  I also can't wait to celebrate with her when she gets her acceptance letter from UW!

As far as boys go, well, there's nothing even to mention, not that I would if there were...

My money situation is stable, but I am slightly worried about grad school.  We'll cross that bridge when I get there.  My apartment and living situation are great!  I still love living alone, and I love my little island in the city.

My health is good, as far as I know, except for this silly cedar fever.  But with time, that will pass.  I'm not all that pleased with my appearance, but I've made a resolution to put more effort into it.  So far, I'd say I'm hitting that resolution about 50% of the time...

I've also made a resolution to read a book a week.  I'm already a bit behind.  I've finished one book, and I'm halfway through another.  It'll probably end up more like a book every week-and-a-half.

I've made the resolution to write more, even if it's not necessarily creatively.  So you should see more blog posts this year.  But maybe not.  I've bought a nice journal, and I've been writing there a lot more.  Apparently it's easier to write when I know it's not going to be broadcast to the world.  But I'm determined not to leave the blog behind either.

I should've probably made a resolution to not watch so much TV, or stop drinking so many Dr. Pepper's, but who am I kidding?  We all have our vices, right?

Since everyone's a full 2 weeks ahead of me, I hope that all your resolutions are sticking well.  And I hope that you have as much hope and clarity of purpose for your new year as I have found for mine.

God Bless
-amy