So after I finished my month of Health, I decided I wanted to tackle the tricky slope of Appearance.
It probably seems shallow to spend a month on making myself happy through improving my appearance. And it probably is shallow. But the fact of the matter is, my appearance, or general lack thereof, make me unhappy. So it was time to fix that. So I set about doing what I thought would make me happier about my appearance.
1. I got a membership at a tanning salon.
Now, I completely know the bad effects of suntanning. I know about the skin cancer risks, the damage to the skin, and increased aging of the skin. I know that I have sensitive skin that burns easily, and family history of skin cancer. But a small part of me has always thought I'd be comfortable in my own skin if it was just a little darker. So I decided just for this month, to get a tan membership. Well, it's definitely been a learning experience. When I walked into the salon, I felt so out of place in a way I couldn't describe. Even when the attendants were friendly and patient, I still felt like a vegetarian at a steak house. I felt a bit ashamed being there. I had sworn that I'd never do it, that I was fine with my skin color, that I didn't need to change it. I felt like I had let myself down a bit. So I didn't tell many people that I was doing it. I didn't want to be teased and scoffed at when I was already a bit unsure about it. I was sure that someone would notice and I was worried about having to explain it. But the thing is, no one noticed. Not a single person. And the people that did know couldn't really tell a difference. After a month of sunburns and general discomfort, there were no noticeable effects. People did not see me differently. I didn't see myself differently.
It was an interesting experience. I can't say it was good. The results were less than expected and didn't make me happier. In a way, this was just confirming my suspicions. I will always be pale and freckly. I can't say I'm happy about that fact, but I can say I've eliminated the fleeting hope of change. And that's the first step, I think, to acceptance.
2. I stuck to my dental care and skin care routines.
Another thing about my appearance that makes me unhappy is the state of my face and teeth. I have stupid adult acne THAT JUST WON'T GO AWAY. I have small, yellow teeth that are crooked and misshapen. The reality of fixing these is way out of my budget. But I figured the best way to start was to get them as healthy as possible. I've done some careful evaluation of when my acne flares up and the best way to handle it. I'm working on minimizing the scarring. I've also started moisturizing more, which according to all dermatologists, is a crucial step. I've been seeing the dentist to get all my teeth sorted out. I've got the majority of the dental work done, and I've used the prescribed kit to change the pH-balance of my mouth. I've kept up my regimen. While I still have bad days, and have some self-confidence issues, I'm happier knowing I'm taking the best care of it I can.
3. I made more of an effort on my presentation everyday.
I have a job that requires a uniform. It drains a little bit of me every time I put on that uniform. It sounds dramatic, but that's how I feel. The uniform is unflattering and so dang repetitive. That just adds to my view of the job as well, which is also unflattering and repetitive. The only choice I have to be a bit independent is through my hair, makeup, and jewelry. That is, of course, within certain boundaries. But I decided to make more of an effort on fixing my hair and makeup, and wearing fun jewelry. I'm still pretty lazy, and have my off days, but I've felt happier about my choice in my appearance over the last three weeks.
But as I've been working through this Appearance stuff, I've come to realize it doesn't really matter. Not in the way I thought it did. People don't necessarily remember how your skin looked, or if you were wearing makeup, or had nice earrings on. They remember how you interacted with them. If you were kind, thoughtful, energetic, happy. Or if you were lazy, cynical, bored, stressed, and angry.
And so now I'm working on Attitude. This one is MUCH harder. I stopped tallying all my checkmarks and x's on my sheets and I'm attempting to focus solely on attitude. I'm trying to be nicer, less cynical. I want to say please and thank you more. I want to get rid of my road-rage, the cut out the cussing. I want to be energetic and joyful and exuberant. I want to enjoy being around others and have them enjoy being around me. There are no checkmarks for that. I just have to make the conscious decision every minute of every day to BE HAPPY in mind, as well as in soul. So we'll see how this goes.
I'm optimistic, I promise! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment