Life, Abundantly

On four separate occasions today, I told someone I was living vicariously through them.  Four.

When did I become this person?  When did I stop enjoying life, everyday life?  So I'm not content with my current career or my current love life; that doesn't mean I can't still be HAPPY.

My power verse/life verse/most-moving-and-inspiring-message-I've-ever-read-verse, whatever you want to call it, is from the New Testament of the Bible, John 10:10, particularly the second half of the verse.  Jesus is speaking, and he says, "I have come so that they may have life, and have it more abundantly."  I fully believe that.

My faith is something very personal to me, and I don't talk about it often, so this is likely to be difficult to verbalize or understand.  Bear with me if you care to hear.

After a particularly traumatizing moment in high school, small group faith gatherings lost their appeal.  I still appreciate the act of going to church, mainly the traditional services (who'd've thunk!?).  I like singing the hymns (which seem to resonate more with me, have more depth) and I enjoy any knowledgeable pastor who gives relevant sermons.  But all Sunday schools, and youth groups, and young singles groups and such experiences are not for me.  I've tried, and it just doesn't work for me.  So my faith has become much more internal, something that I think about every day, that influences my decisions.  But it's not something I vocalize very often.  It's something so personal, I don't even talk about it with my family very much, which is saying something.

I know that there is a call to spread "The Word" and all that.  But I also believe we all have our gifts; that God shaped our passions, desires, and talents differently, to reach people on every level.  And I feel like John 10:10 is as much a driving force in my life, a call to mission, as anything else Jesus spoke.  I believe that having an abundant, full life gives glory to God, the creator of it.  That by living each day to the best of my ability, enjoying every minute, and staying true to my morals and values, I am appreciating and giving thanks for what God has given me.  And I believe that people can see that.  That they know I'm happy and content; that I have something in my life, outside of work or school or even family, which makes me feel  like a whole human being, worthy of and celebrating every moment of life.

But that's not the case.  And it hasn't been for a while now.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not a "doubting Thomas".  My beliefs in God, Jesus, and everything else have not changed.  But I've felt very disconnected and unhappy, which is disconcerting to me, because my faith is such a personal relationship type-of-thing.
I don't know when the switch flipped, when I became so bitter and down-trodden.  There's no defining moment; no date I can point to on the calendar that said, "That's when I started being unhappy."

I have felt listless, direction-less, and ultimately depressed because of it.  I  have not been living to my life's full potential.  I've not taken every opportunity available for me to learn, to grow, to appreciate people, to enjoy my free time.  I've filled my life with mundane things that have clouded my perspective.

Yes, it's true, I've made a decision about my future and I'm pursuing it.  And that genuinely has me excited.  But I'm not excited about my life here and now.  I've always secretly been a resolution maker, year round.  "Next week, I'm going to start running more."  "After this hectic week, I'm going to start getting more regular sleep."  "Starting next month, I'm going to stay on top of (insert chore here)."  But I always have these ideas about how, in the future, my life is going to be perfect and orderly and it's going to make me happy, darnit!  But then that date rolls around and I'm lazy, or it slips my mind, and I'm back to failed resolution guilt.

And I kinda feel that way now.  I'm putting all my eggs in one basket over this grad school thing.  I keep thinking, things will get better when I'm back on track, when I'm pursuing my passions.  I'll be happy about my position in life and be able to appreciate all the little things.  I'm just at the bottom of the bell curve, and things will swing upwards in a few months, when my life changes drastically.  I know they will. I KNOW.

But why wait until then?

I'm tired of waiting.

amy